Monday, December 28, 2009

>.<

I don't know what to do these days I think the holidays are catching up to me but I am not sure I feel listless and I am wondering if is about the adoption, or if it really is the holidays. I am starting to worry all I want to do is sit around and read and no interact with people I feel bad for my friend Ana she is supportive but I feel like I am ignoring her when she comes over. she is always worried about my feelings and I keep telling her I have no surface emotions in the public. Is something wrong with me or is it normal to feel like this after having a baby?
I really don't know what to do I am working really hard on getting ready for the temple and its going alright but am I doing it for the right reasons?

Sunday, December 6, 2009

wow

well I had my little girl on November 30th and it hasn't been the easiest thing to get through the day but I manage. I get almost daily updates and I get to look forward to seeing her, I don't have second thoughts but I do wonder what it would be like. I know what I did for her was the right thing there is no way I could offer a steady home like the Bloods can. I could have tried but I wasn't ready for it. I love her and nothing can top that and I love the family she is in.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I can't believe its over




Its been a long 9 months that's for sure.
I went into early labor Friday morning and ever so slightly the pain got worse with every hour. I went in Saturday to get checked to see if I was far enough along..........I wasn't I was only dilated to a 1. and then Sunday they got way bad I couldn't sleep through them at all..........when we went in I was still a 1 but they gave me a morphine shot so I could sleep. that lasted about 4 hours and then back to pain all the time. finally on Monday around 3 am I woke Michele up crying and we sat and timed my contractions they were never consistent for longer than 30 minutes, it was really annoying. then around 5 30 we decided to call the hospital to see if I should come in. while Michele was calling and talking t the nurse I was screaming in the background, they told Michele to take me in. When we got to the hospital I was dilated to a 7 and I got my epidural shot and I was out for 5 hours sleeping while I dilated even more. they ended up breaking my water when I was a 9 then at 12 noon I was able to start pushing I pushed for an hour. and at 12:58 on November 30Th of 2009 my little Ashley Lynette was born. after getting all set up in the post par tum room everyone came by to visit and meet Ashley. I didn't get to hold her much until late that afternoon. that night she slept in my bed with me so we could keep her temperature up. she woke up only twice that night because while pregnant I took trazadone and it got in her system and she was still working it out until the second day. On the second day Lynette, Ashley and I were up at 5 30 and Ashley was alert as ever. The doctor came in to check up on me and her and everything was fine. when the pediatrician came in to check up on Ashley, he said she was perfect and then she had to go get her hearing screened. she passed on her left side but didn't pass on her right. (sad) and michele came by at 8 that morning and we girls just talked. Ashley didn't leave my arms much the day after delivery. but Lynette's sister and sister in law came by they are amazing they love Ashley. at the end of the first day after delivery I was exhausted on signing day everyone came by it was crazy I signed at 24 hours after delivery the signing was easy it was the night after that was hard. I was holding her that night after Lynette and Alan had fallen asleep and i just cried with her in my arms and she woke up every 2 hours and Lynette fed her. but at 3 that morning Ashley ate to much and had a tummy ache I rubbed her tummy and patted her back and soothed her the rest of the morning we all woke up around 5 because Ashley got really fussy but she burped and pooped and felt much better. then we all fell back asleep around 6 30 and slept for a couple more hours until our OB/GYN came in to check up on us then Alan and Lynette went to go get dressed and Ashley and I went back to sleep again. around 9 Michele came by again and she started getting my stuff together through out the hospital room.
the nurse came and took her to retake her hearing test and prick her foot to get a count on her billyrubin. but around 11 we were all ready to go I had my discharge instructions and everything and then we got Ashley's and found out we had to have Aanicka the adoption case worker had to be there to sign out Ashley from the Hospital. so we waited another hour while Aanicka came down to the Hospital. we all just visited and opened gifts, Alan and Lynette gave me the whole Black Amethyst set from bath and body works and a memorabilia box to hold things of Ashley's that I wanted to hold on to we got Ashley dressed in her take home clothes and took a boat load of pictures. I didn't let anyone else hold Ashley I even changed her diapers and fed her until it was time for her to go home we all walked out together and I buckled her into her car seat and into the car. and told her I would see her in a couple of weeks.


its been a tough day since I got home I went to bed and snuggled in her hospital blanket and cried myself to sleep, its only natural to cry so I didn't feel bad. and I get to see her every month
It was never good bye its always see you later


adoption is never about giving your baby up its about giving them more and always will be

Saturday, November 7, 2009

ugh

why me? i question I have asked over and over the last 9 months
lately I have been feeling like I ca do the single parenting thing, but I know its not what I want...I want to be able to live life before I settle down with anything permanent. But my mom and step dad keep telling me I can do it, so much that they are trying to influence me. I wish they would completely back off and let me do my thing. ugh I don't know what to do anymore I know that this adoption will happen even though it will be a little delayed. I just need to prove to my mother that this is what I want and that I chose it for a reason, and not to take the easy way out like my step dad keeps accussnig me off

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

whoa

wow what a day it has been. I have yet to get my daily shower in and I smell like a swimming pool!!! ugh
but I can't find the blasted baking soda to make cookies
I wish I could bed over. this baby thing is getting really old thank heavens I only have 4-5 weeks left until I am due WHEW I am so done being pregnant
I am not really looking forward to the signing of the adoption papers but who does really?
anyways life has been great I met this guy Chris and OMG what a bod but that's not what I am after he meets my personality standards to the max which is great for me

Friday, October 9, 2009

what a week

it has been one heck of a week!!!
I moved back in with my mom on monday and thats the same day my hot wigs craving kicked inn full throttle......and my weekend is packed friday (today) i went out with ala ad lynette to my two week check up and then we went out to dinner that was fun the took me somewhere I had never been before!!!! stone ground I think it was called and then you would have thought alan was pregnant he started craving ice cream I had to laugh but we went to baskin robins and got ice cream and after that we went to 'a chorus line' at the pioneer threatre at the U oh and o wednesday I think it was my sisters boyfriend gave her a kitten and she somehow managed to covince my dad to let us keep him........it took about 2 days to decide on a name his name is now 'Amethyst' he is a long haired siamese cat really pretty the only bad thig is he reminds me of my kitten 'lil' lucky I lost him to mental retardation that led him out to get hit by a truck I swear that was the worst day of my life seeing my dad brig him home in a nunventalated box because he was already gone.... but ayways I am ow almost 32 weeks technichally I am 31 and 5 days but close enough and I am small for being 8 months people are always saying it and when they see me they think I am only 6 months its kind of funny

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

UGH

what a month I am now 30 weeks pregnant. and oh boy am I ready for it to be over!!!!!! :)
I have been back home for 4 weeks now no more long trips out of town, but I am spending the weekend at my moms WOOT WOOT I love spending time at my mom when it isn't very long, like more than 6 days

I have found the most amazing family as I have said before but the mom and I are so close its really nice we have our girls days and then the next week its a family day it is a great experiance although i am not looking forward to the paper signing and stuff in the hospital

but I am still single I wouldn't mind a boyfriend right now they are nice to have from time to time but I don't want to hamper my own self being by getting a boyfriend

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Our new game!!!

I have discovered that my baby loves to play games, even though idon't like some of them she loves this thing where she kicks or puts a body part pushing out of my tummy and I try and pouc=sh it back because it is uncomfortable, buyt no she then moves to a different part of the tummy and does it again this goes on for about 15 minutes until she starts violently ticking on my ribs. the worst feeling in the world its worse than your wosrt cramps ever!!!!! but we have fun together! :) <3

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

WOW

Holy Hannabells its been a long time since I blogged. I am getting way lazy now that I can't really move around like I used to!
well tonight was a great night I announced the adoption to the couple, Alan and Lynette!! It was great fun i bought pink and white stereamers and white balloons and set them up around a small office and then I had a pink and brown diaper bag full of stuff, there was a pink mobil, a bottle with a pink rim, a pink towel that said 'once upon a time' that cam with three washclpthes, and two bibns one was green and blue (I think) that said 'I love my big brother, and the other was pink and it also said ' I love my big brother.
I swear I never have a camera when I need one. Darn it not having a job anymore I never have any money andmore!!!!
but other than that it has been a busy summer I went to Idaho for two weeks while my maternal grandparents went on an Alaskan cruise and then we got home on a wedsday and that friday we went camping for a family reunion!!! crazy crazy and now I am pooped out and out of the habit of trying to go for a walk to try and keep in shape,.........so much good that is doing

and then this week has been pretty busy monday we got home from the camping, tuesday I went shopping for the announcement of the adoption for that night, wendsday is my only free day, thursday I have a prenatal appointment at 8 30 in the AM and then at 10 in the AM I am hanging out with my friend annalyn! and then that night I am going to try and make it to group at the adoption agency, friday I have a date, and saturday I am going to a picnic with Alan and Lynette and their two little boys and that night I am going to a play...........WHEW what a week

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

wow I fell behind

well its been two weeks since I last blogged
I have been in Idaho visiting my paternal grandparents and sadly my dad too. but things are all day. this weekend I am spending time with danielle instead of going camping with family.....but its all good shopping and going out to eat with out guys for a whole weekend could a girl ask for anything else to make a weekend perfect!!! :)
well I am planning on inducing my labor for my baby so danielle and the adopting mom Lynette and I are all gertting together and we are going to plan it all out. this is going to be fun (not)
well lall my friuends are leaving this saturday to go back up to rexburg for school, I am going to be lonely in church again.
but I have a couple of dates lined up but none of that romantic stuff. thats is for if you mean to get serious with a guy not if you want to get to know him as a guy first.....

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Finally

well the day before I left to spend two days with my grandma Henderson I met with another couple. and after a couple of days and a prayer in my heart I finally picked a couple to adopt my baby
on the 10th of september I will be announcing the adoption still trying to come up with a big Idea for the announcement but its getting there. UGH........................

Sunday, August 16, 2009

WOWZERS

well today was an intersting but great day!!! First I sang in sacrement meeting with my friend Kelsey >.< and then we had an amazing linger longer with hawaiian haystacks. and then I went straight to LDS Family Services to meet with a couple they are so great I will post a later blog about what happened but AI am short on time tonight......and after that meeting I had dinner at like 4 in the afternoon darn baby makes me eat constantly!!!!! 0.o but anyways after dinner I went to a firside that was fun lots of talking and making fun of Erin LOL but off to bed for me I have to deal with military affairs from a year ago........................lucky me (ugh)

Saturday, August 15, 2009

The dramatic life of Me

so my friends all started blogging and I figured I should start since I hate long hand writing. But its all good this will keep me occupied when I don't want to do school work........ :p

So I am a freshman in collage now I am enrolled in a baptist college online called Liberty university. it is going to be awkward at first my major is going to be Psychology and after I get my masters in it I am going to get licensed marriage and family therapist. which is kind of ironic because of the family I come from. Its pretty broken but we love each other anyways.......besides my biological father.....long story there. but this semester is mainly going to be awkward because as of right now I am 6 months pregnant with a baby girl...who in the end is going up for adoption...many a person disagrees with me but I can't handle a baby and 8 years of college its just to hard for me I want to get my life in order and be married before I think about having more kids which will be awhile because I am in a dating rut right now........but its life this thing happens.....and my belief is that God sent this baby to me for another baby who isn't able to have babies and that makes me happy, that I can serve my lord and grow stronger at the same time and come to know more of who I am and what I want out of my life other than happiness and a husband