on new years eve I went to a party with my friend Logan and met my now boyfriend Preston, the only thing is he is just a bit immature for me even though he is 20 he acts like he is still in high school and I promised myself that I wouldn't ever date any one like that again.
I care for him alot and I don't want to hurt him but idon't know what to do I don't love him. I am in such a pickle with this one I have no idea what to do.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
>.<
I don't know what to do these days I think the holidays are catching up to me but I am not sure I feel listless and I am wondering if is about the adoption, or if it really is the holidays. I am starting to worry all I want to do is sit around and read and no interact with people I feel bad for my friend Ana she is supportive but I feel like I am ignoring her when she comes over. she is always worried about my feelings and I keep telling her I have no surface emotions in the public. Is something wrong with me or is it normal to feel like this after having a baby?
I really don't know what to do I am working really hard on getting ready for the temple and its going alright but am I doing it for the right reasons?
I really don't know what to do I am working really hard on getting ready for the temple and its going alright but am I doing it for the right reasons?
Sunday, December 6, 2009
wow
well I had my little girl on November 30th and it hasn't been the easiest thing to get through the day but I manage. I get almost daily updates and I get to look forward to seeing her, I don't have second thoughts but I do wonder what it would be like. I know what I did for her was the right thing there is no way I could offer a steady home like the Bloods can. I could have tried but I wasn't ready for it. I love her and nothing can top that and I love the family she is in.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I can't believe its over
Its been a long 9 months that's for sure.
I went into early labor Friday morning and ever so slightly the pain got worse with every hour. I went in Saturday to get checked to see if I was far enough along..........I wasn't I was only dilated to a 1. and then Sunday they got way bad I couldn't sleep through them at all..........when we went in I was still a 1 but they gave me a morphine shot so I could sleep. that lasted about 4 hours and then back to pain all the time. finally on Monday around 3 am I woke Michele up crying and we sat and timed my contractions they were never consistent for longer than 30 minutes, it was really annoying. then around 5 30 we decided to call the hospital to see if I should come in. while Michele was calling and talking t the nurse I was screaming in the background, they told Michele to take me in. When we got to the hospital I was dilated to a 7 and I got my epidural shot and I was out for 5 hours sleeping while I dilated even more. they ended up breaking my water when I was a 9 then at 12 noon I was able to start pushing I pushed for an hour. and at 12:58 on November 30Th of 2009 my little Ashley Lynette was born. after getting all set up in the post par tum room everyone came by to visit and meet Ashley. I didn't get to hold her much until late that afternoon. that night she slept in my bed with me so we could keep her temperature up. she woke up only twice that night because while pregnant I took trazadone and it got in her system and she was still working it out until the second day. On the second day Lynette, Ashley and I were up at 5 30 and Ashley was alert as ever. The doctor came in to check up on me and her and everything was fine. when the pediatrician came in to check up on Ashley, he said she was perfect and then she had to go get her hearing screened. she passed on her left side but didn't pass on her right. (sad) and michele came by at 8 that morning and we girls just talked. Ashley didn't leave my arms much the day after delivery. but Lynette's sister and sister in law came by they are amazing they love Ashley. at the end of the first day after delivery I was exhausted on signing day everyone came by it was crazy I signed at 24 hours after delivery the signing was easy it was the night after that was hard. I was holding her that night after Lynette and Alan had fallen asleep and i just cried with her in my arms and she woke up every 2 hours and Lynette fed her. but at 3 that morning Ashley ate to much and had a tummy ache I rubbed her tummy and patted her back and soothed her the rest of the morning we all woke up around 5 because Ashley got really fussy but she burped and pooped and felt much better. then we all fell back asleep around 6 30 and slept for a couple more hours until our OB/GYN came in to check up on us then Alan and Lynette went to go get dressed and Ashley and I went back to sleep again. around 9 Michele came by again and she started getting my stuff together through out the hospital room.
the nurse came and took her to retake her hearing test and prick her foot to get a count on her billyrubin. but around 11 we were all ready to go I had my discharge instructions and everything and then we got Ashley's and found out we had to have Aanicka the adoption case worker had to be there to sign out Ashley from the Hospital. so we waited another hour while Aanicka came down to the Hospital. we all just visited and opened gifts, Alan and Lynette gave me the whole Black Amethyst set from bath and body works and a memorabilia box to hold things of Ashley's that I wanted to hold on to we got Ashley dressed in her take home clothes and took a boat load of pictures. I didn't let anyone else hold Ashley I even changed her diapers and fed her until it was time for her to go home we all walked out together and I buckled her into her car seat and into the car. and told her I would see her in a couple of weeks.
its been a tough day since I got home I went to bed and snuggled in her hospital blanket and cried myself to sleep, its only natural to cry so I didn't feel bad. and I get to see her every month
It was never good bye its always see you later
adoption is never about giving your baby up its about giving them more and always will be
I went into early labor Friday morning and ever so slightly the pain got worse with every hour. I went in Saturday to get checked to see if I was far enough along..........I wasn't I was only dilated to a 1. and then Sunday they got way bad I couldn't sleep through them at all..........when we went in I was still a 1 but they gave me a morphine shot so I could sleep. that lasted about 4 hours and then back to pain all the time. finally on Monday around 3 am I woke Michele up crying and we sat and timed my contractions they were never consistent for longer than 30 minutes, it was really annoying. then around 5 30 we decided to call the hospital to see if I should come in. while Michele was calling and talking t the nurse I was screaming in the background, they told Michele to take me in. When we got to the hospital I was dilated to a 7 and I got my epidural shot and I was out for 5 hours sleeping while I dilated even more. they ended up breaking my water when I was a 9 then at 12 noon I was able to start pushing I pushed for an hour. and at 12:58 on November 30Th of 2009 my little Ashley Lynette was born. after getting all set up in the post par tum room everyone came by to visit and meet Ashley. I didn't get to hold her much until late that afternoon. that night she slept in my bed with me so we could keep her temperature up. she woke up only twice that night because while pregnant I took trazadone and it got in her system and she was still working it out until the second day. On the second day Lynette, Ashley and I were up at 5 30 and Ashley was alert as ever. The doctor came in to check up on me and her and everything was fine. when the pediatrician came in to check up on Ashley, he said she was perfect and then she had to go get her hearing screened. she passed on her left side but didn't pass on her right. (sad) and michele came by at 8 that morning and we girls just talked. Ashley didn't leave my arms much the day after delivery. but Lynette's sister and sister in law came by they are amazing they love Ashley. at the end of the first day after delivery I was exhausted on signing day everyone came by it was crazy I signed at 24 hours after delivery the signing was easy it was the night after that was hard. I was holding her that night after Lynette and Alan had fallen asleep and i just cried with her in my arms and she woke up every 2 hours and Lynette fed her. but at 3 that morning Ashley ate to much and had a tummy ache I rubbed her tummy and patted her back and soothed her the rest of the morning we all woke up around 5 because Ashley got really fussy but she burped and pooped and felt much better. then we all fell back asleep around 6 30 and slept for a couple more hours until our OB/GYN came in to check up on us then Alan and Lynette went to go get dressed and Ashley and I went back to sleep again. around 9 Michele came by again and she started getting my stuff together through out the hospital room.
the nurse came and took her to retake her hearing test and prick her foot to get a count on her billyrubin. but around 11 we were all ready to go I had my discharge instructions and everything and then we got Ashley's and found out we had to have Aanicka the adoption case worker had to be there to sign out Ashley from the Hospital. so we waited another hour while Aanicka came down to the Hospital. we all just visited and opened gifts, Alan and Lynette gave me the whole Black Amethyst set from bath and body works and a memorabilia box to hold things of Ashley's that I wanted to hold on to we got Ashley dressed in her take home clothes and took a boat load of pictures. I didn't let anyone else hold Ashley I even changed her diapers and fed her until it was time for her to go home we all walked out together and I buckled her into her car seat and into the car. and told her I would see her in a couple of weeks.
its been a tough day since I got home I went to bed and snuggled in her hospital blanket and cried myself to sleep, its only natural to cry so I didn't feel bad. and I get to see her every month
It was never good bye its always see you later
adoption is never about giving your baby up its about giving them more and always will be
Saturday, November 7, 2009
ugh
why me? i question I have asked over and over the last 9 months
lately I have been feeling like I ca do the single parenting thing, but I know its not what I want...I want to be able to live life before I settle down with anything permanent. But my mom and step dad keep telling me I can do it, so much that they are trying to influence me. I wish they would completely back off and let me do my thing. ugh I don't know what to do anymore I know that this adoption will happen even though it will be a little delayed. I just need to prove to my mother that this is what I want and that I chose it for a reason, and not to take the easy way out like my step dad keeps accussnig me off
lately I have been feeling like I ca do the single parenting thing, but I know its not what I want...I want to be able to live life before I settle down with anything permanent. But my mom and step dad keep telling me I can do it, so much that they are trying to influence me. I wish they would completely back off and let me do my thing. ugh I don't know what to do anymore I know that this adoption will happen even though it will be a little delayed. I just need to prove to my mother that this is what I want and that I chose it for a reason, and not to take the easy way out like my step dad keeps accussnig me off
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
whoa
wow what a day it has been. I have yet to get my daily shower in and I smell like a swimming pool!!! ugh
but I can't find the blasted baking soda to make cookies
I wish I could bed over. this baby thing is getting really old thank heavens I only have 4-5 weeks left until I am due WHEW I am so done being pregnant
I am not really looking forward to the signing of the adoption papers but who does really?
anyways life has been great I met this guy Chris and OMG what a bod but that's not what I am after he meets my personality standards to the max which is great for me
but I can't find the blasted baking soda to make cookies
I wish I could bed over. this baby thing is getting really old thank heavens I only have 4-5 weeks left until I am due WHEW I am so done being pregnant
I am not really looking forward to the signing of the adoption papers but who does really?
anyways life has been great I met this guy Chris and OMG what a bod but that's not what I am after he meets my personality standards to the max which is great for me
Friday, October 9, 2009
what a week
it has been one heck of a week!!!
I moved back in with my mom on monday and thats the same day my hot wigs craving kicked inn full throttle......and my weekend is packed friday (today) i went out with ala ad lynette to my two week check up and then we went out to dinner that was fun the took me somewhere I had never been before!!!! stone ground I think it was called and then you would have thought alan was pregnant he started craving ice cream I had to laugh but we went to baskin robins and got ice cream and after that we went to 'a chorus line' at the pioneer threatre at the U oh and o wednesday I think it was my sisters boyfriend gave her a kitten and she somehow managed to covince my dad to let us keep him........it took about 2 days to decide on a name his name is now 'Amethyst' he is a long haired siamese cat really pretty the only bad thig is he reminds me of my kitten 'lil' lucky I lost him to mental retardation that led him out to get hit by a truck I swear that was the worst day of my life seeing my dad brig him home in a nunventalated box because he was already gone.... but ayways I am ow almost 32 weeks technichally I am 31 and 5 days but close enough and I am small for being 8 months people are always saying it and when they see me they think I am only 6 months its kind of funny
I moved back in with my mom on monday and thats the same day my hot wigs craving kicked inn full throttle......and my weekend is packed friday (today) i went out with ala ad lynette to my two week check up and then we went out to dinner that was fun the took me somewhere I had never been before!!!! stone ground I think it was called and then you would have thought alan was pregnant he started craving ice cream I had to laugh but we went to baskin robins and got ice cream and after that we went to 'a chorus line' at the pioneer threatre at the U oh and o wednesday I think it was my sisters boyfriend gave her a kitten and she somehow managed to covince my dad to let us keep him........it took about 2 days to decide on a name his name is now 'Amethyst' he is a long haired siamese cat really pretty the only bad thig is he reminds me of my kitten 'lil' lucky I lost him to mental retardation that led him out to get hit by a truck I swear that was the worst day of my life seeing my dad brig him home in a nunventalated box because he was already gone.... but ayways I am ow almost 32 weeks technichally I am 31 and 5 days but close enough and I am small for being 8 months people are always saying it and when they see me they think I am only 6 months its kind of funny
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